Wow, I made it...thirty minutes? This is all I have now....myself. I am growing more and more comfortbale with that fact. I don't expect happiness in my furture....I really don't. What I see myself as doing in ten years from now is working my ass off in a job that will always keep me busy...becoming less and less of a person and more of work obsessed person with no personal life. Bit grim huh? Oh well at least I will always be sucessful if that is the case. I feel a need...a thirst if you will to prove to people that I WILL NOT be taken advantage of and I WILL NOT allow the good graces and kindness I give to people to be abused. I feel like i can never be good enough for certain people, I try so hard to be perfect, to be honest even though sometimes it hurts me to say the truth becuase I know it will hurt people. But as my friends say of me around here....I would always like to see the truth bring a tear than a lie bring a smile. Lying is way below me and i don't know how anyone expects me to do it. Is it really that great? To live in a false world, false happiness, no REAL feelings? No grasp on what life really is? I can't bring myself to do it. I prefer to say nothing at all most of the time though. But if I am out right asked....I must say the truth right? I won't become a liar...untrustworthy for it...no that's not me....deal with it. I am tired of being second best to people...seriously I am. I am tired of hearing all about how my firends love so and so, I don't want them to love them...I want to be loved. I want attention, I want all eyes! I want people to listen instead of defending themselfs from being wrong blindly. But then again I have never met a person yet that puts others before themselfs. So I am going to follow that. Guess What?!I come first! I LOVE ME FIRST! Dustin is the ONLY exception. I loved Jenn like that but what did that get me? I point out all her flaws....well, I hate that, I HATE it. It makes me mad to no end that she asked me things and then threw them back in my face because they where not hwat she wanted to hear...waht the hell? I won't forgive it...no, never. But I will move on. Let me think on that for a second.......I don't hate her, I hate what she said....I couldn't believe it. And then I was honest and said well if you don't want my opinion don't ask for it she says "Kay, I won't". Well I won't be forgiving. As much as I care for her I WILL NOT forgive that. Well Jenn by saying that in a way...you helped me detach myself from you. You showed me how you feel, and you showed me what I mean to you....you hurt me, and I won't stand for it again. I guess you got what you talked about wanting......to feel nothing, to be able to throw people aside, because that's what you did. I hope you are happy with the desision you made.